Visual screenplay links : ENGLISH / FRENCH
Genre: Kdrama, Crime, Fantastic. 10 minutes duration. Logline after the picture.
Not recommended for sensitive people.
Maxwell's "Welcome" song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooyLSSWxF04
Note: there is an extra scene after the credits.
Logline: After betraying his boss, a gangster must find a way to survive.
Hi @WE, you wanted me to comment here? I didn't save my comment from BOD hence cannot copy - paste it here.
ReplyDeleteNot a big deal. You could catch idea of hell. So tell me what you think happened about Dong-Goo.
DeleteDid the color "RED" made sens about Ju-Yun sins?
You also catch an additional mischief from him, when he abandons Tae-Rin. This guy does so much bad things that anyone can find a reason why to hate him the most. Maybe other people could be more hurt when he kills Ugly Jo. By the way, were you sad a bit when he does that? Myself was. Poor Ugly Jo. He was ugly, gangster, but a brave kid.
Ju Yun starts as protagonist, but quickly goes into an unlikable one. You know him, it was the bad guy in Death's Games. I couldn't even give him the nice guy role after that. lol!!
The clues in what you wrote give me the idea that Ju Yun instead of being able to die was caught up in the supernatural forces of that hotel and was given his just desserts. He is trapped in Dong Goo's body, destined to go through the same gruesome suffering and death for eternity. Or… see 3) below.
ReplyDeleteAs for Dong Goo there is an uncertainty and some alternatives.
1) He died and continued to be in the afterworld, peacefully enough, so that his body can be used by Ju Yun. He at least had a bit of decency and regretted the deaths of his team and had wanted Ju Yun to have been a more loyal, less ego-centric thug, hence he might be able to have a happy death in spirit.
OR
2) The supernatural forces decided to retract what happened to Dong Goo and his team of thugs and they are alive outside the hotel. Their memories may have been changed so that they do not know that they were killed in the K4 Hotel. It would be interesting to see if the Newspaper is found outside the hotel as well to confirm either alternative.
OR
3) The Dong Goo we see at the end is now actually Ju Yun who is inhibited from trying anything with Tae Rin because of his ugly face and maybe some other supernatural ‘rules’ that prevent him. And he is destined to be Ha Bok’s ‘dog’ forever. Also a good possible punishment.
There’s also the option to combine 2) and 4)
4) Dong Goo never died but continues working for Ha Bok and although he is attracted to Tae Rin, has the sense to keep his distance.
Thanks for you decyphering, worth it of kdramas.
DeleteI answer about the end of Ju Yun and Dong Goo:
Ju-Yun was just killed by Dong Goo. As he goes in afterlife, he thinks he succeded and killed Dong Goo. Just at this point, the supernatural happens. So, in fact, there is nothing really supernatural. It's just Ju-Yun going into his hell punishement. Every fact after the fake Dong Goo death in the motel happens in afterlife. To give clue that what really happened, I put the reflection of Dong-Goo in the mirror, as the mirror show what is in the real world: Dong-Goo is leaving the motel, instead of Ju-Yun.
Dong-Goo is the only survivor.
Thanks to your comment, I realise there is not enough clues for reader to get that. Then, I need to add few ideas to help. I'm thinking about doing that:
- When Dong-Goo tries to stab Ju-Yun in the hearth, there is a short black screen, like a short moment when Ju-Yun becomes inconscious, but wakes-up in time and does the trick about Dong-Goo knife. But we could get more easely that this moment of absence is the moment when he dies.
- When Ju-Yun tries to open the door at the end, he sees outside: a SUV driving out. I could be more explicit (not sure) to even show Dong-Goo outside, climbing his SUV and going away.
Final idea, I take your: In the final scene in Gangnam, I add a newspaper flying because of the wind. Well, I don't know how I do that yet. Just in this scene, I need to show a newspaper with a title about "malediction of K4 motel, gangster found dead" or I don't know what text yet.
I'd consider that after the blackout screen when Ju Yun dies, the next scene has to already be different so that viewers catch on that there is a change. He is no longer fighting with Dong Goo but finds that things around him are dissolving and reforming into the hotel in its heyday or similar. Then it becomes clearer that Ju Yun died, were he to look into the mirror and not see himself. While looking into the mirror perplexed, he sees Dong Goo in the mirror walking out... he turns around but Dong Goo is not behind. Instead Dong Goo seems to be inside the mirror ie the real world. Ju Yun is horrified but still has not figured out that he is the one who died.
DeleteHi, I updated this morning.
DeleteI added Red-Screens when a Sin happens.
And good new, I added your idea about Tae-Rin abandonned by Ju-Yun as a sin. What makes 4 sins, and it was the number I needed to get a correlation with hotel names.
Put blackout after Ju-Yun defeats Dong-Goo. It was my first idea but I changed my mind. My goal is to make sure someone reading again gets the exact moment of Ju-Yun death, and so everything coming after is part of an illusion. If I put blackout after real moment of death, it's again a lie about what happened just before.
One reader didn't get the puzzle, even with that. An idea I could put in: there is the sound of the stab during the blackout, then Ju-Yun is "wake up" by this sound.
About Ju-Yun looking at mirror, there it's a bit complicated. It's a moment of dramatic irony = the audience knows but not the character. However I added details, like how is motel in the other side in the reflection. And Next scene, Ju-Yun sees Dong-Goo as you recommend, outside the motel.
Of course, if Ju-Yun looks at the mirror, he won't see his reflection, rather the idea of another world, and will see Dong-Goo leaving, then just a blank mirror. I like the moment when he turns back and see no-one. So I don't bury the idea, but don't implement it for now.
Additional reason why I'll keep it under my seat: it's an idea helping a lot to understand what happens. Maybe too much? Is there 2+2, or are we giving 4?
I introduced Ugly Jo earlier.
About the newspaper last scene: I didn't find a way to do it, as the scene is. By the way, not sure about what I would put on it. Could be the whole truth? "gangster dead stabed at Motel K4 after massacre".
@WE, not bad or better rather, after the changes. I can imagine it play out on screen. It's clearer to me but I don't know how it might appear to other readers. :-)
DeleteYou could get the sins and punishment without red-screens while a reader didn't get it, even with them. Hey! The "Ugly Jo" changes were effective, the reader was sad when he dies, while it didn't hurt you before modifications.
DeleteI'll do like SJJ, I'll write your idea of scene variation to test it.
Yes, test the screenplay with version 1 and 2 and 3. Of course it might be a truer test with different viewers seeing each the first time only. After I have watched or read something, I will know what to expect and may not get the full effect as if I was reading for the first time.
DeleteHeh! Using another computer I could not change my account to GB, so it showed up as Anonymous. That comment is from me as well.
DeleteHi GB. So I did the test and was convinced enough to update with new version. Let me know if the writing is good enough, and staging too (visual order).
DeleteOld version of the scene was:
CN#Cafeteria.
Ju-Yun walks better, but is still too haggard to notice:
¤ He's not bleeding, no wounds.
¤ The tables are no longer overturned. The chairs are fixed.
¤ The LARGE MIRROR IS INTACT, and when he walks past...
The mirror reflects DONG-GOO'S FACE instead of Ju-Yun's!
Also, tables are overturned and chairs are broken in the reflection.
I wanted a goosebump and uneasy effect, quick one.
But obviously after many feedback, people had difficulty to catch the story. So the new version if more explicit, but of course more wordy. It add like 6 lines to the script. I also continued with a short two lines scene for better transition.
The scene is better. I loose the quick and mysterious goosebump effect, but we get a good freeze effect when Ju-Yun turns back. Also, I think about the general goal of the ending: it's to make sure audience understands enough, so to get a big goosebump chill when reaching the last line of Ju-Yun downfall.
Yes, it 'feels' better. Horror piles on as each anomaly becomes apparent. The part that confuses is that after the blackout, which is Ju Yun's death, he is still able to kill Dong Goo. This adds the ambiguity... is he dead or not?
DeleteBelow are slight modifications for a smoother read in English. An addition I made is that the date on the NEWSPAPER could be that very day's date.
= = =
Tae-Rin glances at Ju-Yun for help, ?!, he's no longer there! ('there' instead of 'here')
SPAF!!! Ha-Bok's brutal slap practically knocks (instead of 'blows') her head off! She falls.
BOM! He kicks her away. She sprawls down (instead of 'out'), screams in pain.
This fool puts heart into his (instead of 'at') work and has balls.
Ha-Bok observes ('sees') this pensively. The incident dispels ('This incident dispelled') his rage.
She cries, begs, bends over backwards to make amends ('makes tons')! But remains manipulative...
She bends down further, almost kissing Ha-Bok's feet, like a submissive and irresistibly provocative ('arousing') slave.
In the wake of Ju-Yun's car, brushstrokes ('brushes') of light dance...
Cloc. Ju-Yun's smartphone darkens ('lights out'). Dong-Goo has cut the call ('off').
Dong-Goo frowns with ('now a') cold resolve: he'll do what he has to do!
Ju-Yun,!!, A sense of doom sparks distress! ('even more distressed!)
He looks at the decrepit motel and reads (remove 'on') the main sign:
Clac! A thug opens an SUV's trunk (A SUV's trunk is opened by a thug).
They step over their three dead friends without a pause. ('the bodies of three dead thugs.')
They turn on gun-flashlights and head in further ('go deeper'). The hunt begins!
The gang enters, guns pointed. Flashlights sweep across ('by') the room.
... a man's back protruding from around a corner (a perpendicular) at the end of the corridor.
Beside his hesitant steps, he doesn't notice the NEWSPAPER. Dated that day.
List of Names of those on counter duty ('Counter on duty'). Registration is open ('Register open'). Sign "K4 Motel, WELCOME".
Thanks! It's awesome, I edited the script with most of your recommendations about better english.
DeleteThe Dong-Goo killed by Ju-Yun doesn't exist, it's an illusion. By the way, he's in the same space than Ju-Yun, so it can't be the real one. Real Dong-Goo is in the real world, and at this point just killed Ju-Yun, and probably looking at his body before to leave.
About some of your propositions I can't apply. I speak about it:
The "today date" on newspaper. To makes sens of it, I'd need to specify the date we are before (probably in first scene). Then if I could show a date, it's when we see the top of the newspaper. In this scene, we don't see again title and main photo, just what comes next. So for shorter that, no dates. There could maybe something to do with dates. But for showing a date, I would rather use previous photo (with Receptionist) because we see again main title and main photo. Then put the today date on this could have a scary effect, as we rather expect it would be an old date. Then it would need to add the date too on newspaper the first time we see it, an older date this time. To think about, it add lines in the script, and need we get the today date, of course.
Dong-Goo frowns with cold resolve.
As you see, in k-screenplay, there are sometimes sentence like "Ju-Yun, ... !!!". I'm not inventor of this, it's in korean-screenplays. I also use that for short sentence without verb like this one. "Dong-Goo, now a cold resolve". I do that for impact, but also in this case, I don't need to use micro-directing of actor. It's something actors don't like, but for other reasons, I found over time it weights on script, and after doing that many times on W2, I now limit number of small gestures ("sight, roll-eyes, etc") and go directly for the character intention. I would even need to do a global edit pass on my older scripts to remove a lot of this. And... ahah, I continue to do that, it's like a reflex, but shouldn't be.
Clac! A thug opens an SUV's trunk (A SUV's trunk is opened by a thug).
As you see, I use a lot visual order, not only from one sentence to the next, but sometime too in the same sentence. Here I'm looking for an effect after Dong-Goo previous line, to jump in something without a character first. The passive sentence (rarelly used in screenwriting) is made for getting a vision of the trunk first. Imagine the scene on screen: what you see is like a subjective view of someone opening the trunk. Then I precise it's a thugh for clarity, but maybe wouldn't need to. How the director would shoot that: I think the director would understand the sens of the line and would start with a shot of the trunk. Maybe one hand opening it (not sure). Then, maybe a shot of the thugh (not an obligation), then hands unlocking secret compartiment. Else, of course, your version is excellent and 100% screenwriting advised, with an active verb. Just it's not the intention of the shot.
Ju-Yun,!!, A sense of doom sparks distress! ('even more distressed!)
Probably I'll keep old version for hit impact. Your proposition is good and objectively better written, but slower and more flowerly. I'm looking for fast stress and expression jumping at the screen. +Logically, he already knows he's low on petrol, so it's not really doom. Just he reachs the hard limit sooner than expected.
I couldn't use last one exactly as it is, because it's too long. But used what I could or modified accordingly.
About "perpendicular corridor", it doesn't matter it's at the end of corridor. I have that in my mind, but maybe can't say it clear: There is the corridor, and at one point (let's say middle), a junction with another corridor (perpendicular, so). It makes a "|--", and imagine Dong-Goo is at the bottom.
Isn't it exciting to work on a screenplay?! 😋
DeleteMy pleasure @WE. I was re-reading and trying out different words to see what nuance there was. So I just gave you the list that I managed to do.
DeleteIt is interesting to know why you structured the events and sentences that way. About the order as camera focus is on the car trunk first then moves on to whatever. That makes sense. Perhaps I'd write it as 2 short sentences rather than in passive voice, but haven't thought what those sentences would say.
I pretty much got the meaning behind the truncated sentences. Yes, I imagine actors won't like the screenwriter to tell them how to act. The part about 'sparks distress' was supposed to go with the bolts of lightning and flashes in the sky. I was thinking he'd be worried about end of petrol rather than distressed, but either conveys the emotion.
I just put "distressed" in my translator soft. And it's not what I wanted to say. ARGHHH!!! I wanted a full stress, a shock stress. I need to change that word! Something that stick with the image I could find of the actor.
DeleteIn a "The Mentalist" screenplay (US series) a scene starts like this:
"POLICE STATION. A ringing phone is answered by Rigby."
You get the picture right away. Shot on the phone ringing, then maybe hand coming into frame, then Rigby talking on the phone. It's why I used one sentence for getting this sens of short-time with passive element. In a previous talk, I remember someone did that in two sentences with active verbs. "A phone rings. Rigby answers". But I can't get out of my mind than the one sentence is better, with a feeling of camera move.
So @WE, what did you have in mind for the end of Ju Yun and Dong Goo
ReplyDeleteWhat came to my mind about the number 4 is that it's the same sound in Chinese for 'death' and hence was appropriate for the Hotel. Yes coming from the 5 star to the 1 star hotel was a great coming down for Ju Yun.
ReplyDeleteAs for red, it's often associated with women who are sirens, dangerous especially to men, ... hence 'sinful' is possible too. At least the idea of her is not far from that. It was clear because you used the word 'slut' more than that the dress was red.
Not enough time to get to like Ugly Jo so no real feeling at his being killed but was 'sad' that he had to die so brutally. Would have been nicer if in a less gruesome way.
Ju Yun quickly became unlikable and not at all a hero. He seemed to be too ruthless/cruel towards his 'friend' in the way he killed Ugly Jo. If he had been a more decent person he'd have let his friend die with dignity. 'Death's Game' protagonist had a bit more humanity although he was neglectful of his mother. The punishment there was apt too.
I had to do the story in 10 minutes in western format (for challenge reasons). Now I could rework a bit the visual screenplay. Ugly Jo has to die in this terrible way, alas, to hit. I'm thinking I should introduce him sooner to get an effect. Some random idea: could be in the hotel, he's the guy stunning the Receptionist. But say something cool, like "sorry dude, I know you just do your job". Later, he could be the one driving Dong-Goo car. Instead to jump and be scared, have an expression of empathy for his hyungim.
DeleteIn death's Game, Receptionist was main protagonist. And Ju-Yun was the villain, killing protagonist+girlfriend.
I'm happy to learn the number 4 could have additional meaning. Else I didn't find. It could be number of sins. But for that I need to add another "RED" in the story. So here an idea: when Tae-Rin is left alone, use that for "her face becomes red" (when she's scared, or when Ha-Bok slaps her). Or do it in figurative way: Add a RED flash on screen.
That way I get 4 sins:
- Take the woman of another man.
- Abandon woman in danger.
- Be arrogant and hurt innocent (receptionist)
- Kill people.